Dear Friends,
I'm so sorry that I have been so very quiet for the past few weeks. It's been a very difficult time as I adjust to devastating loss of my dad. Two weeks ago today I received that phone call that we all dread. My mom was on the phone crying hysterically from the hospital saying that my dad had stopped breathing and he was in the ICU on life support and to please call her. "What????" I had just been on the phone with them 45 minutes earlier and I was chatting with my dad and everything was perfectly fine. This just couldn't be happening!!! I called my mom at the hospital and she shared the most unbelievable story with me and she said "you need to come asap!" Still in utter disbelief I got off the phone with her call Ole at work and told him what happened and he said "I am on my way home!" The next few hours are honestly a complete blur as I continued to get more and more information from my mom and it was not good. We tried to get me on a flight out of here but there was nothing available so I packed my bags and hopped in the car and headed south to Florida to be with my parents. You have no idea what a difficult drive that was. 12 hours of not knowing what was waiting for me and being scared to death of thinking that I was too late. I knew my mom wasn't telling me everything. . . I arrived in Florida at my parents house and within minutes we were on our way to the hospital. Seeing my dad like that was heartbreaking. Hooked up to so many machines and lifeless. I held his hand and gently spoke to him begging him to wake up and there was nothing. I knew in my heart if he could hear me he would have let me know and there was nothing...from there we spoke to his doctors and they gave us the report which no one ever wants to hear. He was gone and the machines were the only thing keeping him going but after all the tests they determined there was nothing to be done except turn off the machines. I was numb. I asked my mom if I could have time alone with my dad to say goodbye and she said I could do whatever I wanted. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I went to the hospital alone and sat with my dad, held his hand, kissed him gently on the forehead and told him how very much I loved him. Before I left, I asked him if he could give me a sign to let me know that he was okay and within minutes he was talking to me and I was listening. I left the hospital soaked in tears and arrived at my car and sitting on the hood of the car was a butterfly. Then on the way back to my parents house I had another very strange and otherwise unexplainable experience, but I knew it was my dad talking to me. The next few days are pretty much a complete blur as we made the final arrangements for my dad and carried out his wishes.
I'm back home now and kind of in a fog...I have moments where I am okay and then something will trigger a memory and I will fall apart. I so miss hearing his voice each and every morning at 7am when I used to call him to give him the morning report, a funny little thing that we started years ago because he loved hearing about all the activity and goings on at our house with his four grandkids which he loved dearly. Thankfully, I have an amazing family and they have been very patient and understanding while I continue to process and get used to my "new normal". Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Dawn
Dear Dawn, You don't know me but I read your blog and have bought many of your patterns. I want to let you know that you are in my heart and prayers. I lost my daddy 3 years ago and the wound is still fresh and raw. He was my whole world. Be patient with yourself and fall back on the love and prayers that surround you. Bless you and your family and your dear father too.
ReplyDeletePrayers from Texas as well. I received that phone call myself 31 years ago on the 12th of October.
ReplyDeleteAlways extra hard for Daddy's girls. I still think of Dad most everyday, but the pain does get much better. I soon realized that I knew exactly what he would say about anything there was I wanted to talk to me about.
Gentle hugs for you,
Billie
Hi Dawn. So terribly sorry to hear of your loss. It's a time that nothing can prepare you for. I'm praying that God will give peace that passes all your understanding and that sweet memories of your father will comfort you. xoxo's from TN
ReplyDeletePrayers for peace are being said for you and your family during this difficult time. Take it one hour at a time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteDear Dawn,
ReplyDeleteI lost my mother in 1995 to Breast Cancer. My parents had divorced when I was 18 at my dad's request. My mother re-married a year before I got married myself. When our first child came three years later my mother and step-father were thrilled. Even though they already had 3 grandchildren from his side, they were all in town and my husbands work had taken us 10 hours away, my step-father always made sure that whenever there was a 3 day weekend they were here. They both worked for the same company so had the same holidays. The company completely closed down Dec. 22 through January 2. They spent the entire time with us. Pretty nice step-father, pretty nice husband. But you have to understand that my mother was my best friend. I had never had many friends growing up but I had always had my mother. I think I went through teenage angst for about 4 months total. I see this relationship growing with you and Abbey. My husband knew just how hard it was going to be for me to leave my mother, not because I was a mama's girl, because I really wasn't. We had a mature friendship for each other and a deep, deep love. When she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer I was hit hard. The day I had called her to tell her I was expecting our second child, she told me my aunt, her littlest sister, had just that day been sent home to die from Breast Cancer. That was all I could imagine. Our daughter was 11 and our son was 9 when they lost the only grandma who had ever really loved them. It's been almost 20 years and Dawn there are still times that I will catch myself thinking "I must call mother and tell her that, she would think it was so funny!" But look at that sentence....I always want to tell her something good when I am feeling happy. I want to share it and it doesn't make me sad to think of her at moments when I catch myself, just bittersweet. It's usually about something that one of my own two grandchildren have done. I'll just smile and think what a fantastic great-grandma she would have been, as I try to pattern my grandmothering skills after hers. I don't know why our Abba chose her. I haven't had a close friend in 19 years. I have learned to lean on my Jesus more. I also know that my mother is with Him. She is also out of the physical pain. As I have wrote this I have been weeping so for you. Broken hearted...you bet. And it's not going to go away next week or even next month. Talk to your children. Tell them every story you can remember about your dad from growing up. If you have to, do an ancestors side study for your homeschool for awhile even if all you do is talk about your dad. Tell each one of your precious boys and that precious Abbey exactly what there grandpas face looked like the first time he saw them. It will be hard at first but the more you TALK about your dad the easier it is going to get. One more thing, I read C. S. Lewis', A Grief Observed right after my mothers death when it was still so raw and I felt sometimes I couldn't breathe, Dawn it helped so much. It is a little book, I think under 70 pgs. but I came out of it being able to breathe.
Dawn I'm so sorry for your loss. I am also one of your readers, but I don't think I have ever commented. I understand completely what you are going through at this moment. I lost my dear husband five months ago. it was also a complete shock, and at times still feels unreal. I am praying for you and your family, and especially for your dear mother, who I am sure feels lost. Surround yourself with family and friends, it will help with the pain you are feeling. All the best, Anne
ReplyDeleteDawn, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have been there and yes just lean on the Lord and he will carry you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending butterfly kisses and wishes. Linda
ReplyDeleteDawn, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Just know that we're praying for you here.
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